Rei's Pathos! Mars' Super Cool Mental Breakdown!
by Blue Lobster
Summary: After drinking a little too much vodka, Rei Hino suffers a mental breakdown and decides to kill her fellow senshi. Will Japan's and Mars' economy profit from the death of the Moon Princess?


Sailor Mars' Super Cool Mental Breakdown!

All was not well at the Hikawa Shrine. Rei, also known by her planetary alias Sailor Mars, was on the verge of psychosis. Abused by her lascivious grandfather, and forced to work forty hours a week to cover her expensive tuition fees, Sailor Mars was feeling the pressures of being a sailor senshi more than ever. Killing monomaniac monsters lost its novelty after the eighth epiosde. This Sailor Senshi wanted better things.

Queen Beryl and her feminist communists were tireless in their efforts to cause small, everyday problems in the Juban district in Tokyo for no apparent reason, so why the fuck should Sailor Mars protect her and her entourage of hypocrites? These thoughts raced through her as she slugged down a sixth shot of vodka, straight. She didn't like coke. It gave her pyromanic gas.

She decided to ring Usagi and tell her once and for all that she was quitting, cold turkey. No more capitalist agenda. No more prissy, slutty friends. No more crybaby comfort eating Usagi to boss her around. Then there was the matter of THEM. The other senshi, all selfish, vain cunts in their own special ways.

Rei dialled. Luna answered;

''Oh Rei, you are just in time. A new monster named Dark Pillow has been released into the public by Beryl's Communist Kingdom, so come over here and do some animations so Sailor Moon can finish the monster off! Dark Pillow is putting girls to sleep before their bedtime and ruining everyone's schedule! We have to kill her at ONCE!''

''Fuck that,'' said Rei. ''And fuck you too you man hating cat. I fucking always wanted to drown you in a bucket, you know that?''

''How irresponsible Sailor Mars! Have you lost your pure heart?''

''No, I haven't lost my fucking 'pure heart' you god damn cat!''

''You must have been possessed by a monster!''

''Not every social problem can be explained away by labeling it as a monster. Cats don't have egos or self-images, how the fuck are you even alive?''

''Oh mooo, so irresonsible! Sailor Mars you should be more aware of your position!''

''Oh, you fucking shit arse of a cat, I'll fire soul your ass to the orian belt and back you smarmy little-''

Click. Luna must have slammed down the phone. No matter. She would go there herself and deal with them, once and for all. But first, she had a study date with Sailor Mercury. Sometimes Ami blew off Luna in favour of studying. This was the only thing Rei liked about Ami.

Sailor Mercury, the studious goody-goody. Ami cared nothing about people; intellect was her world. Mars could feel Amy judging her silently all the time. Of course, Sailor Mars always accepted an opportunity to better her grades, and since Ami had offered to help her study, she went over to the knowledgable cunt's house.

''Ya ya, just tell me the answers,'' barked Rei. But Mercury was too embroiled in her own course work to pay her much attention. Rei thought it only appropriate that she punish her freind for being such an dull host, so she wrapped her arms around Ami's neck and strangled her to death.

''Thanks for nothing, you sly, introverted fuckwit.''

ughh, what a useless friend. She was better off without her anyway. And of course, there was always Sailor Venus. Sure, Venus was the slut of the crew, with her long, ass wiping hair and carefree attitude. Sometimes Rei wondered Who the fuck did she think she was? The Queen of England? Well, she may be beautiful, but Venus came from an impoverished family. At heart, she was little more than pretentious gutter trash, desperately trying to break free from her sad life through false notions of justice. Rei took another slug of vodka on her way to Sailor Venus' house. Artemis greeted her.

''Rei, Sailor Mercury is dead!'' said Artemis.

''Yeah, so? Plantet earth is where we live, idiot. WHo gives a fuck if a reincarnated girl from an anceint moon kingdom dies? Death is real. Get over it.''

''I don't like your attitude.''

Venus jumped from her bedroom window, said ''Artemis you are so stupid.''

''I agree,'' said Mars. ''You are stuipid because you are the only male member of this strange ensemble who doesn't multi-function as a sexual object. You are such an idiot.''

Luna strolled by, her sexy cat swagger sparing the world none of her charm. ''Artemis, you are SOOO stupid, and the only reason you are in this show is so the writers can blow off some misandrist steam. Now GTFO before Beryl vaporises your ass.''

''Fine, us cats don't get any character development anyway. C'mon Luna - let's fuck and lead a normal life.''

''Artemis you are SOOO stupid,'' continued Luna, and all the female characters laughed and abused him until he commited suicide. Luna showed no remorse when Artemist finally threw himself in front of a Toyota.

''Oh, he;'s dead,'' muttered Luna. ''By the way, Mars, you must help stop Dark Pillow from putting kids to sleep at four pm. it is-'' But before Luna could finish, Rei had already lowered her foot on to the cats carnium, crushing her. At the funeral, all the senshi gave a speech outlining how stupid and inane a cat Artemis was, his worthlessly almost a thing of legend. Ami, aka Sailor Mercury also had a funeral, but nobody attened because she was an introverted mess of a human being. Luna was buried out back by Usagi, who cried till the moon came up.

Mars didn't attend Artemis' funeral either. Instead, she decided to cut off all contact from her so-called 'friends', especially Usagi and Jupiter, who especially annoyed her. Maybe she could use Venus to attract the attention of men, maybe even a boyfriend, but of course, Minako was ultimately an absent minded fool. Mars decided to just ignore eetyone and start a new life for herself.

But they couldn't leave well enough alone. Sailor Jupiter was a freak, loner, desperate try hard. Her real name was Mako-chan, and boy was she a lanky freak. Mars was actually embarassed by her constant stupidity. The outcast, possibly due to her jovian genetic structure, Sailor Jupier was disliked by everyone in the gossiply universe. When she was alive, Mercury resented her idioicy. Venus thought she was a fugly man. So you can imagine how disgusted Sailor Mars was when Sailor Jupiter kept leaving her voicemailes and hanging out at the hikawa shrine.

Rei decided to ring her back and tell her to back off.

''Jupiter, stop ringing my house phone, stop ringing my grandfather, and leave me the fuck ALONE.''

''But please be my friend? Rei, you're so cool, and...please?''

''No. FUCK OFF you overgrown loner. At least Ami had a reason to be outcast - you are just charmless. So why don't you go to jupiter, inhale some of its many gases, and die, so I can be fucking rid of your primate approach to human relations.''

''i know what you did last summer, Rei. I know that you strangled Ami-chan to death.''

''Yeah, so? You want some of this? You want some of THIS?''

''Umm, no actually, I was just saying-''

''FIRE SOUL''

Flames went throught the telephone line and engulfed Mako-chan into cinders. The princess of jupiter dead at last. The world cheered!

At Mako-chan's funeral, Venus recited some irrelevant proverbs. Rei disliked this so she shot her with burning Mandalas, sending her into the land of the dead.

Three Senshi dead, one to go. She didn't give a fuck about the outer senshil. At least they kept to themselves.

All that was left was Usagi. How to describe the moon princess. Rei couldnt't do it. She had always wondered why she, the Mars warrior, an intelligent, strong willed priestess, have to bow to that cry-baby, comfort eating idiot Sailor Moon? Who the FUCK named her the Moon Princess anyway? In the original manga, Mars was a princess of her own plant and she didn't have to deal with that shit. But in the anime adaption, Rei was coerced into subservience to that fucktard Usagui. Ever since the Moon Kingdowm fell at the hands of communists, the economy on Mars withered. That's what you get for making a fucking ugly moon the basis of all universal trade.

She showed up on Usagi's doorstep, drunk and red-eyed. When Usagi answered the door, Rei lunged at her, punching and kicking the moon princess into a corner. THe only thing she could recall clearly was the sound of bones crunching, and the warmth of blood flowing down her beautiful wrists. During the battle, Sailor Moon did try to use Moon Tira action, but Rei simply caught the tiara and shoved it down the moon princesses throat.

''Why, Rei? Why do you hate so much? I just want to be a normal girl. So what if i'm a cry baby? So what if I get 30 percent in remedial english? If you use special fire attacks on me, do i not bleed?''

Rei was so moved by this orration that she conjured flames to slowly burn Usagi. She hurled a bottle at the burning body. Usagi screamed and screamed, walked around burning, then died.

Since these disasters, Rei has become a succesfful business woman working in the Juban Crystal Tokyo district.


End file.
